


i would say i’m sorry

by Aquariusgarbag



Series: can’t stand the midwest [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/F, Genderbending, HAROLD THEY’RE LESBIANS, Pre-Femslash, genderbent au, redemption (working on it)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 23:53:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18883861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aquariusgarbag/pseuds/Aquariusgarbag
Summary: Billie tries to apologize.





	i would say i’m sorry

I would break down at your feet  
And beg forgiveness, plead with you  
But I know that it's too late  
And now there's nothing I can do

—Boys Don’t Cry, the cure

 

She never knew what came over her. Billie knew she was kind of a bitch on her best days, even when she wasn’t trying to be, but a fight like this was different. It made her feel like a crazy bitch, instead of of the normal run-of-the-mill bitch she tried to be. It was the same way she felt after a fight with her dad, which didn’t make sense because she never won those, but always won fights with other girls. Still the shakey, panicked, unreal feeling persisted. It was like she was at a bottom of a pool, couldn’t swim up, could only try to hold her breathe, but time was running and, and she was kicking and kicking but couldn’t move, and—but she couldn’t explain that to Steph. It wouldn’t be an excuse even if she could find the words. (She thought idly about who would be best at finding the words, Mailor maybe...) She would be so angry if her dad gave an excuse like that, especially because he was always so in control. 

Billie thought she had probably seemed in control, that was the aura she had been trying to project anyway. She hadn’t been, the situation with Maxine having fell out of her control before she even realized it was slipping. She had felt in control at the Wheeler’s house, flirting with that lech. Billie liked to do that, flirt to get what she wanted. She knew how men looked at her, played off it, felt powerful from it, it was good in that way, even if she could never make herself like men like that, make herself want to go further then flirting. She wished Jennifer or Nathan or anybody but Steph had been the one to open that door. What the fuck had she even been doing there? Wasn’t the point of older sisters to be a free babysitter? That’s what her parents seemed to think anyway.

Steph had made her feel out of control since she first saw her, in that little men’s shirt at the Halloween party (god bless Tom Cruise for making that costume possible). She had tried to be outgoing, fun, in control on the basketball court, had tried to make Steph like her, want to be around her, but that had backfired spectacularly. Once again she came off as bitch, probably because she was a bitch. (“Bitch” “slut” “dyke” yelled her dad in her head) She hoped she hadn’t come off like a lesbo to Steph, she was enjoying all the rumors about which football player she might date, enjoying having all the guys want her, all the girls wanting to be her friend, didn’t want to ruin it (again). 

 

She thought all this while Mrs.Miller droned on about Hamlet. They’d already covered all of this back in Cali, making this class even easier. Billie didn’t like school, thought it was a waste of time, especially ap classes because she knew she wasn’t going to college, still they were less brain rotting then gen ed even if she was surrounded by the nerdiest nerds and preppiest preps. She stopped paying attention entirely and began working on her essay comparing Hamlet to 1984, she cared a lot about the surveillance state because she liked to shoplift. The bell rang and she began to pack up, but Mrs. Miller stopped her from leaving. She liked Mrs. Miller as far as teachers went, she was pretty in a Annie Potts kind of way, and less boring then the old man that had taught Shakespeare back in San Diego. 

“Billie, I want to ask a favor, one of my senior girls is struggling, she’s very sweet, needs to pass my class in order to graduate on time and just needs a little help. You know I enjoy your writing, I was hoping you could help her? It would be your good deed of the day.”

Billie started to make an excuse about why she couldn’t, but Mrs. Miller interrupted.

“It would get you out of class for my period, maybe more I’ll write you a note get you out of home ec?”

“I’d love to help.” Billie said with a smile.

 

The universe had a vendetta against her. Of course beautiful, air headed Steph was the “sweet” girl in need. Just Billie’s luck, if this had happened before their fight it would have been the perfect opportunity to make Steph like her, need her, want to be around her, but instead it comes a month after, a month where Billie hadn’t apologized, thanked her for not ratting on her, had in fact not acknowledged Steph’s existence at all. She had justified this in her head by saying it wasn’t wanted, would only embarrass them both, but seeing the momentary fear in Steph’s eyes as Mrs. Miller directs her to the table Billies set up in the back of the library makes those justifications feel pathetic. Still, Steph seems to go back to her take-no-shit self pretty soon, acting like she’s the one doing Billie a favor when she hands over her essay. This is why she had called her a princess. 

The essays a total mess. Besides numerous spelling and grammar mistakes, it’s disorganized jumping from one point to another and back again, Billie can almost see how it connects—it flows almost like a conversation—but as a formal paper it sucks about twelve dicks. Billie puts down the paper. She is going to be a good tutor, she is going to calmly explain the grammar and spelling problems, show Steph how to do a proper outline, show her the little Norton book on writing she checked out for this occasion, she isn’t going to let her guilt effect this. Then she looks up into Steph’s eyes. They’re so brown and rich and warm. 

“Did I do this to you or are you naturally this fucking dumb?” comes out of her mouth. 

Steph tells her off, rightfully, and leaves. Billie sits there silently, she feels like she’s about to cry, she doesn’t know why she acts like this, what’s wrong with her. She feels dumb and crazy. She wanted to apologize, for this and the fight and everything, but knew she wouldn’t. Why was it so hard? She didn’t want to be like this. She felt that way about most of her identity.

Steph’s essay was still on the table in front of her. She began to work on it. It was easier then she expected, Steph ideas weren’t off the mark they just weren’t explained well. It took her the rest of the blocked time to get it done. She may have further estranged herself from the prettiest girl in school but at least she had gotten out of home economics.

She was about to slip it into Steph’s locker (Was it stalkerish to know her locker number? Maybe) when on impulse she decided to write it. She used her good cursive to write it lightly in the upper corner. It wasn’t the apology she wanted to make, but it was the only one she felt capable of. “Sorry princess”


End file.
